Grief. I had always heard people talk about it but I never really understood what it meant. I had heard there were stages or a process or something like that. When you watch someone grieve from the outside though, you can’t truly understand the darkness going on inside of the person grieving. Partially because every situation is different and partially because everyone grieves differently. I know that even when people want to help me I honestly don’t even know what I need. I can be totally fine and distracted and then the next second the monster I call grief will hit me like a ton of bricks. It will sneak in when I am playing with my kids. It will sneak in when my husband and I are just hanging out. It will storm in and take control when I am alone at night or driving in the car. When I am in the shower and trying to relax and the tears can’t stop coming. When I am walking through the grocery store with my hands full and my phone accidentally calls my Mom. When my son or daughter reaches a new milestone that I know my Mom will never get to see. When I look into my Dad’s eyes and only see pain. It’s a monster. That is the only description of grief that I have. Much like satan-it steals, kills, and destroys. It steals the joy from my days, it could kill me if I let it, and it could destroy my relationships and my life if I allowed it too.
Thankfully though, I have hope in Jesus because without it I would have nothing. The pain would literally kill me, I have no doubt in my mind. I have faith that my Mom is in a much better place than the brokenness of this world. I have faith that one day, we will be with her again. I have faith that one day we can all have joy in our life again. We don’t get to decide when the monster called grief comes at us, and we don’t get to decide when it stops. We do however, have a choice to give into the darkness, or to look into the light. In Proverbs 14:13 NLT it says, “Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.” We don’t get to laugh when people want us to, or move on because they’re uncomfortable. It is painful, and it is real. However, in Romans 5:5 NLT it says, “And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love”. When we can’t see love in the world, and we can’t see the light at all-we can still feel God’s love all around us we just have to talk to him and let him in. I am not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. He can handle our anger, our fear, our sadness, for he is a big God we just have to let him in. Hanging onto hope in Christ is the only thing that can get me through. He is bigger than the monster. He loves me, and he loves you. He’s here for me, and he’s here for you. Love, Sarah