About two weeks ago my husband and I were driving around talking while we let the kids sleep. We always have our best talks when we are driving around for some reason. Our marriage has been through a lot this year because we as a family have been through a lot. Things are better in that aspect now that we are no longer commuting from Colorado to Wyoming and away from each other so much, but we have a long way to go to get to normal. No matter how hard I try I just couldn’t feel like myself. It is like I was watching my life go by and watching from the outside but I didn’t know how to change that. We both know that I am struggling with depression, and we talked about how something had to change. I needed to try to help myself, or I needed to get help.
I have no problem seeking help from a counselor but I decided that before I do that need to do everything in my personal power to get better. Not even a professional can help me if I am not ready to help myself. So, two weeks ago I decided I needed to work out, get off my phone so much, eat less sugar, make myself get sleep whether I have to take melatonin or find a sleep aid, stop watching negative shows, and start talking to God more again. If this year has taught me anything it’s that there are so many things that are out of my control, but those are all things I can control. My husband deserves a wife that is okay, and so do my kids.
Only two weeks have passed and I still struggle daily, it in no way has been a magical cure all. However, I can tell you that I am more patient with my husband and kids. Physically I have more energy, I still am no where near where I used to be but it’s a start. Grief and depression are exhausting on not only the mind but the body too. I am having breakdowns less often and I am a little more in control of my emotions and my mind. What I mean by that is when I am exhausted my mind can go to dark places because the Devil most definitely uses exhaustion to his advantage because my guard is down and quite frankly I was keeping God out. God was still there but I wasn’t letting him in.
I am also having way less night terrors. I had them before I lost my Mom but not near as often. After we lost her I had so many a night I stopped going to sleep. I would wait until 4 or 5 in the morning because I knew I would only have a couple before it was time to wake up with my kids. One time I tried to go to bed early with John because I hadn’t slept in so long and I had six of them in a row. I looked at the clock thinking it had to be morning and it was 11:30p.m. I sobbed for the next hour just wanting peace so I could sleep. I have been praying more (once again I still have a long way to go in my relationship with Jesus to get back where I was, some days I do still feel anger but we will talk about that in another post, stay tuned.) I have been working out before bed and then taking melatonin, and I make myself lay down by midnight, except tonight it’s 1:30 but I felt like writing.
So if you’re struggling and you’re not ready to see a professional yet, just try taking the steps you can take yourself. I still need to eat better some days, get off my phone others, and I still have breakdowns-but I am making a conscious effort to try to change all the things that I can personally control. If I don’t want to go run I just think about my really dark days and how I don’t want to go there again so I go run. Even if I don’t run as far or as hard, I just do it. It’s not going to cure you and it’s not going to cure me but the only thing we can do is try. I can tell you after only two weeks of implementing this change I already feel better and am in a much better place than I was 2 weeks ago. Keep in mind none of this is a replacement for medication if you are taking any for anxiety or depression. Although, taking control of your life in the ways you can does give you power to feel better in ways your medication can’t help you with. I still don’t necessarily feel like myself but I will keep trying until I do. Love, Sarah