The “Firsts” After the Goodbye.

The moment you are forced to say goodbye to someone you love more than you love yourself is the moment that alters your life forever. Hard days come out of nowhere and they come fast and without warning. You can be sitting on the swing enjoying the sun and listening to your kids laugh and play. You can be on a trip with your family that’s supposed to be care free and fun. You can be alone late at night watching your favorite show. You can literally be doing anything and in one moment the pain hits you so hard that your heart literally physically aches. It can hurt so bad for a split second you’d do anything to make it stop.

Thankfully, before I lost my Mom I had never felt a pain like that. It’s indescribable and unimaginable and I wouldn’t wish it upon the worst human out there. What makes it extra hard is so many days that are supposed to be happy hurt so bad. There is a lot of sadness on days that are supposed to be filled with joy; birthdays, holidays, graduations, anniversaries, summertime….and for me, Mother’s Day. Those days are dreaded more than most other days. You can’t wait for them to be over, and you pray that you can make it through them without falling apart.

My Mom was the glue to our family. She made everything better whether it was a trip, Christmas, a lunch, an A+ on a report card, a milestone for her grand babies…no matter what it was (she may have been stressed about it) but she made it all better. My only regret I have with her is not helping her more (I would usually sit there and talk to her while she did everything). This year of “firsts” without her has been excruciating. Trying to plan things I no longer care about because she would want me to, or because my kids deserve it. Trying to keep it all together when quite frankly a lot of it just seems pointless. Staring at the spot at the table where she should be sitting. The feeling that someone is missing during every part of the day no matter how much you try to ignore it. Picking up the phone to call her to realize she’s not there to answer me. It all just really sucks.

I don’t have any words of wisdom for you this time. All I have for you is a glimpse into what it’s like to lose a piece of your heart so maybe you can appreciate what you have. Appreciate your family and the ones there for you. Pick up your dang phone and call your Mom. Unless she’s some sort of awful toxic creature, get it together and show her how much you love her—because you don’t understand how blessed you are.

If you are also missing a piece of your heart I am truly sorry. I pray for peace on Mother’s Day as we watch everyone post pictures with their Mom when we can’t even talk to ours. If you’ve lost a child, I cannot even imagine what kind of pain that must be, and I pray for peace for you. If you’ve lost your other half—the mother of your children I pray for peace for you. I pray that we all make it through the day and we all understand exactly how blessed we are to have the loved ones we still do have. I pray we can find glimpses of joy and not feel guilty when we do. I pray we find peace in the fact that we will get to see them again one day.

Grief is like a fingerprint, it all looks the same on the outside but there are none alike. It’s painfully unique and every story has its own painful and lonely journey. All the support in the world doesn’t take away the hole in your heart, but the support of loved ones does make all the difference. I am truly blessed to have the most amazing family and friends who help through days like tomorrow. Although grief is different for everyone we all know a type of pain like none other. It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that things will get easier, just keep hanging on. Just keep fighting. Love, Sarah

Happy first Mother’s Day in Heaven Mom. Everything good about me I owe to you. Wish you were here, we love and miss you.

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